


Cast Away

by HollyLyn1217



Category: Kane (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 08:15:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1003073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyLyn1217/pseuds/HollyLyn1217
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When one door closes does another truly open?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cast Away

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anyone ... damn it! It's all fictional and just for fun! No rumors should be started in regards to any events portrayed in this work of fiction. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes and no money is being made off of it.
> 
> Author’s Notes: [1] This is not part of the "Between You & Me" 'verse. It is a stand alone. For those who have asked, I am still working on the fourth story in the BY&M 'verse. :)
> 
> [2] I have been told that this needs a Kleenex warning (or several). This is not a happy ending story. It came from a particularly dark and scary place in my mind.
> 
> [3] I need to thank "OL" and agtspooky for giving this little piece a once over and letting me know what they thought! You guys are the best!
> 
> [4] This story was written for my dear friend, "OL". She was there with me through all of the ups and downs that went on with the third installment of "BY&M". She helped to pick me back up when I lost six pages of new material due to a laptop crash and had to re-create them from scratch and even helped me work myself out of a nasty corner that I'd painted myself into. Sweetie, I'm so glad that this story hit all the right emotional buttons for you when you needed it to!
> 
> Please let me know what you think!

**Cast Away**

**Holly Lyn**

** &&&&&&&**

 

             _“It’s strange how this hollow home_

_Stages me in my one man show … “_

              

            The last of the movers carries the final box out of the room and I’m left standing in an empty house that I once thought would be my forever home.  It’s funny how time plays with the mind.  When things were good between us, the times spent in this place seemed to stretch on into infinity but now that they are gone, those moments appear to have sped by in the blink of an eye.

              

             _“We boxed up every room_

_You took your things with you …..”_

              

            The supervisor of the moving crew comes in armed with his clipboard for the final walk through so he can confirm that there is nothing left in the shell of my former life with you and he has no way of knowing that the last thing I want to do is walk through rooms that contain so many memories.

              

             _“Was it what I said or what I did_

_That made you want to go …..”_

 

              Is it weird that I can’t pinpoint a single point in time when I think that things may have started to go downhill?  When did we start to drift apart in both our professional as well as our personal lives?  For my own part, I know I spend a lot of time inside my own head listening to the music that never seems to end but shouldn’t I have noticed something as important as this happening?

 

               _“It’s hard to believe that we’ve finally become_

_Automatic …..”_

              

            Maybe it was a whole lot of little things.  The odd sideways glances from you while we were performing on stage together when certain lyrics would come up in our songs.  The lack of physical contact and interaction between us as we played together might have been another clue.  Times we had scheduled to sit down and craft the musical alchemy that we’d been creating so well for over thirteen years just seemed to get pushed aside for so many other ‘more important’ things.  It’s funny, though, I always managed to make those sessions and was the one waiting until the phone call – or even more often – the text message came through to tell me something else had come up for you.

              

             _“When I found you on the phone_

_Sounded like you weren’t alone …..”_

              

            I’ll admit that I blatantly – or perhaps blissfully - ignored some of the bigger things because my brain just wasn’t ready to go there.  Stuff like when the “I love you’s” turned into “see you later, man” or even worse “yeah, whatever”.  Or when I decided to share those special private weekends with some of the fans with you; they turned into a showcase for you and I felt so pushed to the side while you took center stage.  Maybe I should have spoken up then but I held my tongue because I knew you didn’t get many opportunities to connect the way those events allowed you to.   

              

             _“One day it went awry_

_Something came off track_

_Wheels continued spinning_

_But then they never started bouncing back …..”_

              

            The dinner we shared the night after the second weekend just seemed off to me.  Yeah, I was tired; I always put so much effort into planning those events and making sure they went off without a hitch because I wanted everyone to have a good time.  But there was just something missing between us that night – some essential spark had disappeared.  Instead of spending the night together like I hoped we would, you told me “good night” and said you’d “see me around”.  I could see the distance in your eyes in the light from the candle that was on our table.  Could you see the sadness and the pain in mine as you pulled me in for a ‘bro-hug’ and then walked away?  If I had known that would be the last physical contact we’d have would I have done anything differently?  Would I maybe have held on just that little bit longer?

              

             _“And the flame that danced along your face_

_Passed as fast as our last embrace would be …..”_

              

            What’s that old saying?  There’s no sense in crying over spilt milk?  Then why do I have this huge lump in my throat, a knot in my chest, and the worst burning sensation behind my eyes?  It’s a stupid saying anyway.

              

             _“A few hundred miles away from home I found_

_A fool hiding in another town_

_And it might be time to go …..”_

              

            Jonah … My God, Jonah has been a rock for me these past six months.  The time I showed up on his doorstep in Amsterdam after that last awkward goodbye between us he didn’t ask any questions.  He just took me in and we spent that first night sitting up and writing music under the stars on his balcony.  The next night he took me out and got me drunker than I can remember being in a long time.  And afterwards, when he was done holding my hair while I puked my guts out, he sat quietly and listened … just listened.  Is it sad that I can’t remember the last time that someone sat with me and just listened to what I had to say … what I needed to say?  It was the first time I realized that I wasn’t putting my own feelings and issues aside while someone else took their turn and it was so liberating.  I told him things that I hadn’t told anyone … even you.  Mostly because they were about you and I’d never felt at liberty to say them before that night.

              

             _“You and I we’ve gone so far together_

_Feels like we’re one step away from being through …..”_

              

            When I finally stopped talking, Jonah hugged me and then he asked me one question: “What is it that you, Steve Carlson, want to do?”  It scared the hell out of me that I couldn’t come up with an answer for him; at least not right away.  We sat there for a while – him still holding me – and I could only shrug my shoulders and sigh.  I don’t know what I was expecting him to do … glare at me or tell me I was ‘being a girl’ … but he just hugged me again and dragged me back out on the balcony for another night of stars and writing music; it was kind of liberating in a way.  And sometime during that night it felt like something punched me right in the chest and I knew what it was that I most wanted to do.  I didn’t tell Jonah right away, though.  I wanted to ponder on it a while and let it percolate around in my brain box to see if I could come up with some specifics rather than just a general feeling.

              

             _“I don’t wanna follow you any more_

_All I want is to lead the way .....”_

              

            The next morning I had a better idea of how I wanted to proceed and I told Jonah about my revelation over breakfast.  The smile on his face was as bright as the Amsterdam summer sun and for the second time in as many days he let me go on and on with the thoughts I’d had the previous night and the plans my brain had started to hatch after we finally went to sleep.  He didn’t offer suggestions and he most certainly didn’t try to dissuade me from any of what I had come up with.  He was happy to let me spread my wings and soar wherever the winds of change would take me.

              

             _“My eyes have opened_

_I feel as though my life has just begun …..”_

              

            That particular trip I stayed with Jonah for a couple weeks.  On his days off, he took me on day trips to different cities across Europe and all of them inspired me in different ways, kicking my creative juices to new heights.  Then we’d go back to his place and write.  The words and music were just pouring out of me like a dam had burst and they needed to escape before something inside of me exploded.  I also realized something else.  I couldn’t go back to living in the box that I’d kept myself in for the past two years.  I needed to get home and figure out how to go about moving things along.  I just didn’t know the best way to go about it without causing pain to the last person on Earth I ever wanted to hurt.

              

             _“Now it’s all so clear to me_

_You’re not the one I thought would be_

_The one I’d always know …..”_

              

            The first thing I did when I got home was call you to see if I was going to fly to Portland or you were going to fly home to be with me in our house when you were off for your mini break during filming.  We’d scheduled some songwriting time and with all of my new-found inspiration I was chomping at the bit to get back into writing with you … among other things.  I was also hoping we could explore whatever weirdness that had been there during our last meeting.  Imagine my surprise when I found out you had decided to head to Nashville instead to write with Brian.  Truth be told, dude, that pretty much gutted me.  I didn’t even know what to do with it.  I decided I couldn’t be in the house right then so I flew off to Texas.  I’d been neglecting my training to get my pilot’s license and there was a nice recording studio on the property I could use to start laying down some of the layering on tracks that Jonah and I had worked on.  It didn’t totally make the hurt go away but at least I could bury it under my work and it gave me all of the excuses I needed to call Jonah whenever I wanted to discuss changes and possible improvements to our songs.

              

             _“I heard rumors_

_Soon you’re gonna be letting me go_

_Should’ve seen it sooner_

_You were just so good it didn’t show …..”_

              

            I went straight from Texas to Vancouver for my appearance at the annual convention that was held up there.  It was a bittersweet experience for me.  I loved being able to spend time with the J’s - and the fans were awesome as usual - but with the convention organizers putting the kibosh on future musical guests it was most likely the last time I’d be able to do it.  By the way, man, the J’s are furious with you.  I couldn’t hide the way I was feeling from them and they plied me with enough alcohol to sink the Titanic the night the convention ended so the whole sad and confusing story came out.  I never meant to air our dirty laundry but these guys are our – my – friends and they were concerned enough to want to know what was going on.  And you know what?  Jen and I recorded a brilliant cover song for one of the two new albums I was planning on releasing; we also wrote a brand new original song that was going to be showcased on the second album.  It wasn’t just Jonah’s influence bringing me back to all the creativity that I had let flounder while I was waiting for you to have some time for me.  What … me bitter?  Yeah, maybe just a little once I figured out what had been slipping through my fingers.

              

             _“And it’s burnin’ me down_

_Gone is the light that once glowed_

_And though it hasn’t drowned_

_It’s not guiding me home …..”_

              

            Remember I tried to call you again before I left Vancouver?  I knew you were back filming but I thought you might want to at least see me and maybe hear what I’d been up to since I had the flexibility in my schedule.  I was so excited about what I was working on that I wanted to share it with you – the guy I still thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with.  See, I was still eager to try to make us work.  We invested so much time for so many years that I was willing to do almost anything to fix things.  Too bad I seemed to be the only one who felt that way.  When I finally got you on the phone after leaving more messages than I care to think about you couldn’t wait to tell me that instead of coming home to work on music with me once the show was done filming for the year, you were heading off on a film project that was going to keep you busy through the end of October when you were going to go to Europe for a convention and a string of gigs with Brian and Riley.  I get it; I get that the acting is just as important as the music but did you really have to sound like I was ‘bothering’ you by calling you … that you really didn’t have time to be dealing with me right then?  And then when I mentioned that I was going to be in Europe the same time as you, you wouldn’t even entertain the idea of us getting together even if it was only one time for dinner.

              

             _“I don’t belong_

_So now I’m gone …..”_

              

            That’s what finally drove things home for me and I realized that I couldn’t go on like we were any more.  In all honesty, there is no way any sane person would have called what we were doing living together or having any kind of relationship.  We weren’t seeing each other, we certainly weren’t communicating any more, and I couldn’t remember the last time we had made love … in our own bed or any other.  Did it surprise you when I told you I didn’t want to live in our house on my own anymore?  It sure as hell shocked the shit out of me and I’m the one who said it.  I was hoping that the deafening silence coming from your end of the phone was you thinking long and hard about what I’d just said but the first words out of your mouth were “Yeah … whatever, man” and that was pretty much the final nail in the coffin.  I was fucking numb when I told you if that was the way you felt about it I was going to put the house up on the market so we could get some of our investment back.  I remember hearing you tell me “yeah, okay” and agreeing when I asked you to send me an email authorizing me to go ahead and contact a realtor since the house was in both our names.  What I don’t remember is hearing you tell me goodbye and disconnecting the call.  The next thing I was aware of was Jen prying the cellphone from my hand and the panicked look on his face as he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong because I’d damn near stopped breathing.  It was Jen who called the airline and cancelled my flight out of Vancouver, it was Jen who set up a Skype between myself and Jonah, and it was Jen who held me that night while I cried so hard I thought my heart was going to stop beating.  Did I mention that you are seriously on someone’s shit list?

            I didn’t even wait until I got home to put the house up for sale.  I checked my email for the permission from you to sell the house and then called my parents.  They have a lot of connections in the real estate business and I knew they would find someone who would do right by us in selling the property.  I also had them ask around for a good moving service.  There were only a few personal things I wanted from the house; the rest I was going to put into storage under your name and you could decide what to do with the remnants of our life together.  I was done with it all.

 

               _“Another castaway_

_Getting easier the further that I go …..”_

              

            By the time I got back to Southern California – when the J’s finally decided I was okay to travel alone – we had a buyer lined up who hadn’t even haggled over the price.  It was all over and done just about as quick and painlessly as it possibly could have been and even better was the fact that the new owners wanted to move in as soon as possible so all I had to do was schedule the movers and be there to tell them what I wanted and what was going into storage for you.

            Which brings us full circle to the end of the final walk through of what used to be our house.  I know I wasn’t paying a bit of attention to what was going on around me as we went room to room; I also know that the crew supervisor was aware of that fact but since he was recommended by mom and dad, I trust that he is doing right by me.  I sign the paperwork he puts in front of me and before he walks out of the house he pats me on the back and wishes me luck.  And there’s that god damned lump in my throat again.  I want this to be over in the worst way but I know I still have a whole lot of healing to do.

              

             _“They say no man is an island but I’m makin’ one my home”_

              

            I leave the house for the last time and find the realtor waiting for me on the front porch.  I don’t know what she sees in my face but she is strictly professional as I sign more paperwork and hand over my keys.  I tell her she should probably have the locks changed since you still had your set with you.  I get another pat on the back - and an offer from her to help me find a new place as soon as I’m ready - as I turn to walk to my car and I’m so close to the edge emotionally that it nearly sends me to my knees.  I make it to my car and fumble the key into the ignition and I don’t even care that I leave half of my tire treads in the driveway as I peel out in my haste to get away.  I get about half a mile down the road before I have to pull over because I can’t see to drive safely any more.

            The sobs that tear out of my chest hurt like hell and for a long, panic-stricken moment I wonder if I’m actually having a heart attack before I start to calm down and can breathe again.  I use half the bottle of water that I had sitting on the front passenger seat to clean my face and pour most of the rest over the back of my neck before drinking the final few swallows.

            I take about half a dozen deep breaths before I start the car and head to my parents’ house to let them know that I’m done and – for the most part – I’m okay.   

            I haven’t made any long term plans because I had no idea that things would move as fast as they did.  For the time being I’m going to spend a couple of days with mom and dad until it’s time for me to head back to Amsterdam.  Jonah and Daan know everything that has happened and are waiting for me to come back.  I’m stopping over in Phoenix on the way and will make the rest of the journey with Jason who will be helping us put the finishing touches on the latest CD.  Jay doesn’t know what’s been going on but he’s a good friend and very patient; I know he’ll wait until I’m ready to talk and let him know what’s transpired between us.

            I’m not sure if I’m fully ready to move on yet but I think my island is big enough for a few friends to come along with me until I find my way.

** &&&&&&&**

**The End**


End file.
